The Saboteur

Okay, so it's been 11 days since my last blog post. Ugh. Can't believe I've been away that long. Life has just been so stinking busy lately.

I'll start back with last weekend's weigh in. I gained 6/10ths of a pound. Which took me back out of the 100 pound club. But I wasn't that concerned with it. I knew something like that was going to happen. I was just thankful that I didn't gain a couple of pounds. Whew!

Then at yesterday's weigh in, I lost 2/10ths of a pound. So I'm still 2/10ths away from the 100 pounds, but again, I'm not worried.

Normal me would be panicking. Normal me would be saying "what the heck!?". Normal me would be lamenting over every little thing I did or didn't do to take me away from my glorious 100 pound loss.

So what do I mean by normal me?? That's the "normal" me I've made myself into for the past 25+ years.

I've learned so much about me and the way my mind works over the past few months. I've learned so much about myself once I found out that I was sabotaging my weigh loss efforts but more importantly when I found out WHY I was sabotaging myself.

Have you guys watched the 1942 Alfred Hitchcock move called Saboteur? Robert Cummings plays this guy, Barry Kane, who was unintentionally framed for a terrorist attack. He was basically in the wrong place at the wrong time and suddenly the whole country was looking for him for causing a massive fire at an airplane manufacturing plant (during war time) that caused the death of his best friend.

I remember when he first found out that the cops were looking for him because they suspected he started the fire and intentionally caused the death of his friend by handing him a fire extinguisher that was filled with fuel. He was completely shocked. The look on his face was that of a total innocent man.

That was me. Once I found out that I was my own "saboteur", I was shocked. I even denied it for months. No way! I mean, come on! Who in their right mind would intentionally sabotage their incredibly hard weight loss efforts. Shocked is putting it mildly. No way would I do that to myself.

So just like Barry, I took off trying to find out who was responsible for this sabotage. Like his search that took him across country, I started out trying to find out how and why this could happen. I came to the conclusion, at first, that there was no way I could be doing this intentionally. That was the key word—intentionally. I was NOT sabotaging myself intentionally. I wasn't going crazy. I wasn't undermining all my year and a half long efforts. No way.

It was unintentional for sure.

But then, once I made it through the first revelation, kind of like when Barry first found the "big boss" who was responsible for masterminding the factory fire, I had to find a way to bring justice. I had to find a way to understand why exactly I would do this so that I could stop it.

This wasn't easy. It's hard to figure something out when you have no idea what it is your looking for, you know? So I hit the road with Barry Cane and had a lot of good conversations with people who helped me along the way. Like the truck driver who saw Barry (me) as a decent human being who couldn't hurt a fly. Or the blind man who took Barry (me) in and fed us a warm dinner who could tell I had handcuffs on but knew I was innocent. And then I hitched a ride with a traveling circus and found a few friends along the way who would help keep me safe while I was looking for the answers and finally made it back home in time to stop the damage I'd caused. These people I met along my journey were you guys. You each helped me see what I was truly doing.

Now unlike the movie, I did end up being the saboteur. In the movie, Barry Cane ended up bringing the culprits to justice. But for me, I ended up bringing myself in for trial and sentencing. I cross examined myself (many self-examining blog posts) and brought in a jury of my peers (you guys) to help me see what was really going on.

The verdict?

Deep down, I felt like I wasn't worthy of being thin.

I've been overweight since my senior year in high school (1983/84). I've been obese since I came home from the hospital after having my daughter (who just turned 20 last month). I've been fat for 26 years. That's over 60% of my life. It's just about all I've ever known. So over those 26 years, I've learned how to hide behind my fat. I've talked before about how I have a hard time standing in line at the grocery store because inevitably the person in front of me will turn around and look at me as soon as I walk up behind them. I didn't want them looking at me. I was fat. I was disgusting. Turn around and mind your own business! Or how I would always bring my hand up over my face when I'd cross in front of a line of cars when I'd turn left at the light. I didn't want them to see my fat face. I was always so embarrassed about the fat. I hid inside my fat suit. I hid so no one would see me.

But then, once my fat suit started to disappear, suddenly I had no where to hide any more. Now what was I going to do? I was in a panic! So the only thing I could think of was to stop this weight loss thing so I could still be over weight and still have somewhere I could hide.

So I made every excuse in the book for the reasons I wasn't losing. I would talk about how frustrated I was. I'd say "I don't understand why I'm not losing when I'm doing everything I should be". Boy, what a bunch of hooey! I was not. I was still on plan, sure. But I splurged like crazy! But only a little here and a little there so it wouldn't look like I was falling completely off the wagon. I would splurge just enough so no one would notice and so I would stop losing my comfortable fat suit.

It was a masterful plan. I just never realized I had hatched the plan or that I had implemented it. I surely didn't realize that I was pulling it of beautifully!

But now I see it. And now, when I only lose 2/10ths of a pound or if I gain 6/10ths of a pound, I can say to myself, honestly, I am not doing what I need to to lose weight. I am only getting out of it what I put into it. That honest look is so refreshing.

Now I can look at myself as thin (even though I've still got 10-30 lbs left to lose). I can say, I'm thin and I'm happy with that. I don't need to hide inside of myself any longer. Now, I am the one who looks behind me in line at the grocery store and says hi. I am the one who doesn't even think twice about all those people who see me pass in front of them at the red light. I'm the one who can eat in the car and know that no one is disgusted by it. I can tuck my shirt in to my jeans and not be mortified that someone might see my fat roll (which by the way is almost gone),

I am proud of my new body. I am no longer a saboteur...

I am a winner.

And I'm proud of it, too.

I hope my words here can help someone out there who's going through the same thing I did. It makes all my pain worth it, you know?
P.S. the movie ended with this spectacular chase to the top of the Statue or Liberty where Barry single-handedly caught the bad guy, just minutes before he accidentally fell to his death (the bad guy) by sliding off the torch of Lady Liberty. Was a spectacular scene (for 1942). You should put this movie on your list of great ones to watch.

On a slightly different note, check it out... I'm spotlighted as Blogger of the Week on Fitago. Woo hoo!! =D

How did you start losing weight?

I've been having a lot of really great discussions with people lately and it's been making me think about my journey a lot. I know my last post was kind of "how I got here", but I know it was way too long and a bit scattered. I think I want to break it down a bit and hopefully it'll be easier to digest and understand. I don't know about you, but I hate reading really long posts. But yet, I type a lot here. Go figure.

I think the main thing I wanted to get across was that my journey has been long and tough but I stuck with it. I've been thinking about that a lot lately and I really didn't give myself another option.

I'm not usually that determined. I mean, I look at Tara Costa (who didn't win the Biggest Loser this past season, but really should have) and see how determined she was through the entire competition. She was completely committed. She was fearless. She was steady. She was a machine. It makes you wonder how she could ever gain all that weight then not have the determination on her own to lose it. Why did it take the pressure of the public competition before she could do it? I think it's the same reason I seemed to flourish in my determination after I so publicly failed at losing.

When I first started losing weight, I didn't want to tell anyone. I didn't want them to know I was trying to lose weight because if they knew and I failed, I'd be a public failure. It took me a while to tell that first person. And when I did, I told it to them in confidence.

I was so afraid I'd fall off the wagon and be back to my old eating habits, like I'd ALWAYS done before every other time I started losing.

But then the pounds started coming off. I'd probably lost 20 or 30 pounds before I could tell more people. And it wasn't until maybe 50 pounds before I could tell everyone and anyone who would listen. I had to feel a bit of success before I'd shout it from the mountain tops, you know?

If I could give anyone adivce who's just starting out on their weight loss journey, it's to tell as many people as possible. You know what it did for me? Well, at first, it gave me more accountability. The more people who knew, the more people I'd dissappoint if I stopped losing, or worse, started gaining again.

So at first, I was losing for them. And, I know, that was wrong. It wasn't until several months into my weight loss that I started doing it for myself. That's when things changed. But that's also when things got tough. I had to admit to myself that I was worth losing weight for. That was a tough one. It still is sometimes.

I'll talk more about that later. For now, let me ask you. When you first started losing, did you tell anyone? Did you tell everyone? Did you tell no one? How did it help or hinder your start?

--

On a slightly different note, I found a very yummy snack I wanted to share with you guys. These remind me of a crunchy, chocolate peanut butter, ice cream sandwiches. I got the recipe off of Opgrah's website. She was reprinting it from the Biggest Loser Family Cookbook.

The best part is they're ONE POINT each!

They're called "Chocolate–Peanut Butter Grahamwiches". And they're real easy to make:

• 4 whole chocolate graham cracker sheets
• 4 tsp. reduced-fat peanut butter
• 1/2 cup frozen fat-free whipped topping , thawed

Break each graham cracker in half (so each half is 1 square). Spread 1 teaspoon of peanut butter evenly over the inside of each of 4 halves. Spread 2 tablespoons whipped topping each evenly among the insides of the 4 remaining halves. Sandwich the crackers together to form 4 sandwiches, each with a layer of peanut butter and a layer of whipped topping. Transfer to an airtight plastic container and place in freezer. Freeze for about 2 hours or up to 1 month. Serve frozen.

How I Reached My 100 Pound Goal.

I want to thank each and every one of you who stopped by my blog and congratulated me. Each and every remark meant so much to me. I feel like I just won the Biggest Loser. I feel on top of the world.

I seriously NEVER thought I'd lose 100 pounds. I mean, my ultimate goal was originally to lose 130 pounds, and I really thought I'd have reached that goal by now. When I started Weight Watchers 2 years and 4 weeks ago on May 12, 2007, I truly thought I'd be at my 130 pound goal WAY before 2 years.

When I first started losing weight, it wasn't really all that hard. I remember thinking to myself "why didn't you do this a long time ago, this isn't so hard". I mean, the pounds just seemed to drop off with very little effort on my part.

My first year, I dropped 80 pounds, with an average of 1 1/2 pounds a week. Not bad, huh?! So at that rate, which is a safe rate at which to lose weight, I'd be at my ultimate goal after about a year and a half.

Then something unexpected happened... me.

See, I decide last July that I'd start the 18 Pounds in 18 Weeks challenge. If some of you have been following me for a while, you remember this. You might have even joined me in this challenge. My goal was to reach my 100 pound mark by Thanksgiving. Then I could sit down to Thanksgiving dinner and be thankful that I'd lost 100 pounds. But then a couple of weeks before Thanksgiving, my weight loss efforts came to a total and complete halt.

I couldn't for the life of me figure out why.

I sat down to Thanksgiving dinner sad and disappointed with myself. I tell you what, I have never hated Thanksgiving as I did then. And you know what I did. I ate like a pig. I figured, heck, if I can't lose the weight, what does it matter? I was thoroughly disappointed with myself.

But I couldn't figure out why my weight loss had stopped. I was still doing everything I'd always done. I was eating my points. I was exercising regularly. So why wasn't I still losing??

Then in one week, the week of Christmas, I gained 8 pounds. Ugh! I completely pigged out. I thoroughly enjoyed everything I ate.

Then the next week, I got right back on plan. To no avail, though. Still no weigh loss, or very little. I thought because those 8 pounds came on so quickly, that they'd drop off just as fast.

Nothing doing.

But I didn't give up.

I felt like I was banging my head against the wall. A really hard concrete wall. I kept trying and trying, but nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Sure, I'd lose a pound or two here or there. But I'd inevitably gain to offset any small momentum I might have gained.

It wasn't until just a couple of months ago that I learned that I was sabotaging myself. My biggest enemy was me!

Wait a minute. Me? Sabotage? What the heck!?!? I want to lose this weight so bad. I want to be a skinnier me so bad. Why on earth would I ever sabotage myself??

Looking back, I think I freaked myself out. Just before Thanksgiving, when I was just a few pounds away from the 100, I think I convinced myself that I couldn't do it because I wasn't worthy. It's like, I wasn't good enough to be thin. I didn't deserve it. After all, I still craved all the bad food. I still wanted to eat everything in sight. And who's to say that as soon as I reached my 130 pound goal that I wouldn't gain every pound of it back. I convinced myself I wasn't good enough to be thin and healthy.

Listen to this. Terri, a friend from high school, just left me a message on my Facebook. She really hit the nail right on the head. She said: "sometimes we can be so hard on ourselves and we're afraid of success and being successful." That's exactly what it was.

But I didn't know that until just recently. I even had a few people tell me they thought I was sabotaging myself way back then. I quickly brushed them off. No way would I EVER intentionally sabotage myself.

But you know? I am worth it. I totally am.

You are too.

We're both worth it. We both deserve to be a thinner, happier version of ourselves. And there's nothing wrong with that. It's not prideful. It's not self-centered. It's being happy with the body God gave us. We're the ones who added all those fat layers onto our bodies. So to shed those layers is really just unveiling the me, and the you, who we really are on the inside. And there's nothing wrong with that.

I had convinced myself that I was happy being fat. My husband loved me the size I was. My family loved me for who I was no matter what I looked like. But really, it matters what I think about myself. I felt "full" in my old fat suit. I remember sitting on the edge of the bed crying because I couldn't fit into my newly bought size 26/28 clothes.

Now, I'm in a size 12!! I haven't been in a size 12 since before my daughter was born. And she just turned 20. I'm so happy. I'm so proud of myself. I've done it. Me. I've lost 100 pounds.

And I'm worthy of this great accomplishment!

I DID IT!!! I LOST 100 LBS!!!!!!!!!!!

I HAVE LOST
100 LBS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I did it!!!

I lost 5.4 pounds this past week. I weighed in at exactly 165 pounds. So I've lost a total of 100.2 pounds.

I can't believe it!!!

I actually... finally... did it!!

Here's the start I got when I logged my weight in on WeightWatchers.com this morning:

Isn't it beautiful?!?!?!?!

This is what I got when I first logged my weigh in. I thought it was so cool that they made a big deal about the 100 pounds. Maybe that happens every week, I just never noticed it. You like the way it warns me about losing too much too fast? Pretty smart, actually.

Here's my milestones so far:

And here's my total weight loss chart. From the beginning:

When I stepped on the scale and I first heard her say I'd lost 100 pounds, I screamed and whooped so loud! There weren't very many people there yet, only a couple, but I let it lose. I jumped up and down screaming and hugged my husband. He was standing right next to me. He's quit Weight Watchers, but he's switched to counting calories and it's working beautifully for him. But he came because he knew I was going to do it. And I did!

It was so cool at weigh in. The two ladies that weigh people in (Barb and Kathy) both came out from around the counter and hugged me. And my leader said some really sweet things about me during my meeting. He got me choked up at what he said. It was so nice to hear how happy he was for me.

I got 3 paper clips, too!!!

Woot!

I got a 100lb magnet!

Woo hoo!

I got a 100lb keychain charm!

Yee haw!!

AND, I got a 5 pound star!!

Sweet!!!

I'm loaded right now!! These are my keychain charms. There's a 16-weeks, a 25 pound, 50 pound, and 100 pound.

These are my magnets:


I set my next goal for 10 more pounds. I originally wanted to lose 130 pounds altogether so I can say I'm "half assed" (that I've lost half my body weight), but it's taken me so long and it's been so hard to lose these 100 pounds, I don't want to try for another 30 pounds right now. That'll be my ultimate goal that I'll reach someday. But for now, I'm making 155 my goal weight.

Whew! I can't believe it did it!!

I'm SO close to losing 100 pounds!! :0]

Okay, are you guys sitting down??

If not, you might want to because this news might just floor you if you're not...

I think I'm going to reach my 100 pound goal this weekend!!!!

Last week, I weighed in at Weight Watchers at 170.4 pounds. And my weight at home that same morning (before weigh in) was 169.8. I'm usually about a pound lighter at home than I am at Weight Watchers.

This morning I weight myself at home and I was 164.8. So I've lost 5 pounds this week (so far).

My 100 pound mark is 165.2.

So if I can just lose another 6 to 8/10ths of a pound (for cushion), I just might pull it off. Ideally, I'd like to be 164.2 at home so that would give me a full pound of variance so hopefully WW would weigh me in at 165.2.

I'm so excited!!

So, how have I been doing it. Well, it's not something I want to do for a very long time, but basically I'm doing the Weight Watcher's Jump Start program. I don't know why I didn't think about this before.

Their menu is filled with low calorie, low fat, high protein, high fiber, low sodium, high energy foods. Filling foods. Lots of whole grains. Basically, a healthy diet.

And I treated EVERY day like it was Friday. Friday's are my "knuckle down, be on my best behavior" days to I'll try and lose an extra X/10th of a pound in time for Saturday morning's weight in. I had no splurges whatsoever AT ALL this week. Not even last weekend. I haven't used but just a few of my flex points.

I feel a bit deprived, though, which is why I don't think I'd like to do this indefinitely. I mean, don't get me wrong, I like the food I'm eating, but I still miss my comfort foods. My little splurges. And if I deny myself for very long, I'll soon have an all-out binge of all the wrong foods.

It's been a struggle. Every night, I want to go in the kitchen and eat everything I can get my hands on. Luckily the cupboards are a bit bare so that has helped.

If I don't make it to the 100 pound goal, at least I'll be close. Close enough to get it the next week. And at the very least, I'll get a paperclip! Maybe even two!!

So wish me luck. I've got 2 full (well almost full) days left to go before weigh in. So I've got to, at the very least, keep my weight right where it is, but at best lose another pound.

Me vs. Me

So I woke up this morning (dragged my lazy butt out of bed) and went for a bike ride.

I found a new trail. I LOVE finding new trails. You'd think I would have run out of "new trails" by now. I mean, I start at my house and there are only so many ways to go from there. But nonetheless, I found a new one and it was gorgeous.

I started out for the first 4 miles on the same trail I've always gone and then when I crossed the interstate (on a foot bridge), I turned right instead of left. It eventually turned into a very wide, shaded trail that had horse crossing every once in a while. There were million dollar houses as well as shack-looking houses all along the way. Horse farms. Parks. Huge back yards with gardens. And all along the way it was covered with a huge canopy of trees. Wasn't real crowded but there were walkers, runners and cyclists all along the way. Funny, but the cyclists are the rudest ones. They'll never say "mornin" back to me. Oh, well.

It was only 16 miles and I got back in an hour and forty minutes, but it was well worth it. I didn't eat my oatmeal before I left and so just as I hit the half way point I started losing momentum. I was running low on fuel. Won't do that again. I got back and was so weak and shaky.

Took a shower then went to our Sunday morning breakfast spot and had an egg white omelet (w/tomatoes, onions and mushrooms), orange juice and grits. Figured that would be good refueling food. I felt great after that.

We needed to stop by the store to pick up some butter and to my surprise, hubby suggested we walk to the store from the restaurant rather than drive the car over there. It ended up being a mile long walk (round trip). Not bad.

So all of this being said, I'm trying to get back on the horse. Your comments yesterday were very encouraging. It's so nice to know I'm not alone in this. I saw a poster in the front window of one of the shops we passed by on the way to the grocery store that said "It's You vs. You". That's so true on this journey. My biggest obstacle in all of this is me. In the beginning it was my not knowing anything at all about weight loss or healthy diet or the effects of exercise. But 2 years later, that's not the reason any more. It's me. It's Me vs. Me. I can do this. I just have to get my head on straight.

Oh, and get this. I stepped on the scales this morning before my bike ride and I was down 2 pounds from yesterday morning. Go figure. I pretended like yesterday was Friday as far as my eating goes and I guess it worked. Now I just have to pretend like the rest of this week is Friday every day to try and keep those 2 pounds off. :]

Who am I? Why am I hear? Where am I going?

Weigh in today.

Gained another 2.4 pounds.

Let's see. Why do you think I gained?

• Was it the box of donuts I ate on Saturday morning?
• Was it the huge plate of lasagna I had Saturday night?
• Was it the piece of coconut cream pie (with a side of a peanut butter chocolate chip cookie) I had Sunday for lunch?
• Was it the (snack size) bag of Cheetos (at least it wasn't the huge bag like I wanted) I had Sunday for dinner?
• Was it the Cinnamon Butter Cupcake I had Monday night? (and, no, I didn't eat any more of them the next day)
• Was it the spaghetti I had Thursday night?
• Was it because I didn't track one bit of food since Sunday night?
• Or was it the lack of exercise all week?

Hmm. I wonder what could have caused the gain?

I'm in such a funk right now. I mean, ugh!! What the heck?!

It's like, I know exactly what I need to do to lose weight but I refuse to do it. And when I do, do it, I don't do it all the way. I mean, I'll say that I'm doing it. And I'll even convince myself that I'm doing it, but I'm not really. Like I'll say "I tracked all my food this week" when in reality, I might have tracked a few days. Or I'll say "I exercised this week" when in reality, all I did was a bike ride on Sunday or maybe I walked once or twice throughout the week. That's not "exercise" that's mildly keeping active.

I know I need to track every bit of food I eat.

I know I need to measure my food portions.

I know I need to exercise every day.

But I don't.

I only do it half-a$$ed.

All I want to do is lose 100 pounds. Why can't I do that?

I'm seriously considering giving up on trying to lose and just face it that I'm not going to allow myself to lose any more weight and just never reach the 100 pound goal.

The only problem with that is that I'm petrified of gaining it all back. It scares the crap out of me!!! I can't stop dieting. I'll never stop. I took one week off last December and gained 8 pounds in that one week. Can you imagine what would happen if I took a month or two off?? I'd be back to 275 pounds in no time, I'm sure.

You know what the worst part about all of this is that I'm not eating the food that I really want to. I mean, I lose, I gain, I lose, I gain, but through it all, I don't eat what I really want to. If I do, I can only eat a tiny bit of it knowing full well that if I eat the amount I want to, I'll gain big time.

Why is food still so important to me?

I would have hoped that after 2 years of being on this new "lifestyle" that I'd be used to it by now and the cravings wouldn't be so bad. And the yearnings would subside. When will they? Will they ever?

Man, listen to me, I sound like a whinny baby.

I'm just not in a great place right now. I'm not happy with alot of things in my life and food is just one of them. I need a new perspective on things. I need to focus on the good things in my life rather than the bad. I need for the good to outweigh the bad.

Who was it who said life should be this hard?

Does life really have to revolve around a cupcake?

Okay, so today I was back on track.

I had my oatmeal with soy milk and honey for breakfast. I had a left over pork chop with a small baked potato (with Molly McButter) for lunch and for dinner was a green salad (with only vinegar dressing) and a slice of cheese pizza.

Okay, confession time. I had a cupcake tonight. Although it's not for the reason you think.

My daughter came over tonight to make cupcakes with me. She turned 20 last week and I didn't get to see her on her birthday. This is the first time EVER since she was born that I didn't get to see her on her birthday. For her birthday, I had wanted to make her some cupcakes—her new favorite kind. I call them "Cinnamon Butter Cupcakes". They're a butter cupcake with cinnamon butter cream icing. Killer! They're fast becoming my favorite cupcakes too. But she was busy all last week so we couldn't.

Anyway, she's the one who had the idea to come over tonight and bake cupcakes. I have to admit, though, that the cupcake didn't take me by surprise. I had already planned on having one. But I'm only having just that one. She only took 8 or 9 with her which leaves a dozen and a half. But hubby and I are splitting them up and taking them to work.

I will not eat another one.

The experience was what I was really enjoying when I ate the cupcake. I didn't let the cupcakes cool before I iced 2 of them for us. I don't usually do that because the icing will slide right off the cake before it cools. But I did that so we could both enjoy it fresh and hot together.

It was a great experience.

I sure hope I'm not teaching her bad habits. She's so skinny. And she's worked hard at it. She doesn't want to be fat like me, or rather like I used to be.

Anyways, the rest of the day was just as I'd planned. No splurges and I feel great about it.

I want to thank you guys for your support. Your words mean so much to me. It really helps me put things in perspective. And I love that there are so many different points of view when you guys comment. I sometimes feel like I'm at a group therapy session or something and there are you guys all circled around me giving me feedback based of your experiences. Very helpful.

I am trying to figure out what the root of all this is. I used to think it was because I didn't think I was worth success. The first time I sabotaged myself last fall, I did feel inadequate. I didn't feel like I was worth the success. But I really feel I've moved past that. Now I'm not sure what it is. I'm just going to have to keep looking for the answers.

I'll find them. I know I will.