Cara's Weightloss Journal

I did it!!!

I lost 5.4 pounds this past week. I weighed in at exactly 165 pounds. So I’ve lost a total of 100.2 pounds.

I can’t believe it!!!

I actually… finally… did it!!

Here’s the start I got when I logged my weight in on WeightWatchers.com this morning:

Isn’t it beautiful?!?!?!?!

This is what I got when I first logged my weigh in. I thought it was so cool that they made a big deal about the 100 pounds. Maybe that happens every week, I just never noticed it. You like the way it warns me about losing too much too fast? Pretty smart, actually.

Here’s my milestones so far:

When I stepped on the scale and I first heard her say I’d lost 100 pounds, I screamed and whooped so loud! There weren’t very many people there yet, only a couple, but I let it lose. I jumped up and down screaming and hugged my husband. He was standing right next to me. He’s quit Weight Watchers, but he’s switched to counting calories and it’s working beautifully for him. But he came because he knew I was going to do it. And I did!

It was so cool at weigh in. The two ladies that weigh people in (Barb and Kathy) both came out from around the counter and hugged me. And my leader said some really sweet things about me during my meeting. He got me choked up at what he said. It was so nice to hear how happy he was for me.

I got 3 paper clips, too!!!

Woot!

I got a 100lb magnet!

Woo hoo!

I got a 100lb keychain charm!

Yee haw!!

AND, I got a 5 pound star!!

Sweet!!!

I’m loaded right now!! These are my keychain charms. There’s a 16-weeks, a 25 pound, 50 pound, and 100 pound.

These are my magnets:

I set my next goal for 10 more pounds. I originally wanted to lose 130 pounds altogether so I can say I’m “half assed” (that I’ve lost half my body weight), but it’s taken me so long and it’s been so hard to lose these 100 pounds, I don’t want to try for another 30 pounds right now. That’ll be my ultimate goal that I’ll reach someday. But for now, I’m making 155 my goal weight.

Whew! I can’t believe it did it!!

Okay, are you guys sitting down??

If not, you might want to because this news might just floor you if you’re not…

Last week, I weighed in at Weight Watchers at 170.4 pounds. And my weight at home that same morning (before weigh in) was 169.8. I’m usually about a pound lighter at home than I am at Weight Watchers.

This morning I weight myself at home and I was 164.8. So I’ve lost 5 pounds this week (so far).

My 100 pound mark is 165.2.

So if I can just lose another 6 to 8/10ths of a pound (for cushion), I just might pull it off. Ideally, I’d like to be 164.2 at home so that would give me a full pound of variance so hopefully WW would weigh me in at 165.2.

So I woke up this morning (dragged my lazy butt out of bed) and went for a bike ride.

I found a new trail. I LOVE finding new trails. You’d think I would have run out of “new trails” by now. I mean, I start at my house and there are only so many ways to go from there. But nonetheless, I found a new one and it was gorgeous.

I started out for the first 4 miles on the same trail I’ve always gone and then when I crossed the interstate (on a foot bridge), I turned right instead of left. It eventually turned into a very wide, shaded trail that had horse crossing every once in a while. There were million dollar houses as well as shack-looking houses all along the way. Horse farms. Parks. Huge back yards with gardens. And all along the way it was covered with a huge canopy of trees. Wasn’t real crowded but there were walkers, runners and cyclists all along the way. Funny, but the cyclists are the rudest ones. They’ll never say “mornin” back to me. Oh, well.

It was only 16 miles and I got back in an hour and forty minutes, but it was well worth it. I didn’t eat my oatmeal before I left and so just as I hit the half way point I started losing momentum. I was running low on fuel. Won’t do that again. I got back and was so weak and shaky.

Took a shower then went to our Sunday morning breakfast spot and had an egg white omelet (w/tomatoes, onions and mushrooms), orange juice and grits. Figured that would be good refueling food. I felt great after that.

We needed to stop by the store to pick up some butter and to my surprise, hubby suggested we walk to the store from the restaurant rather than drive the car over there. It ended up being a mile long walk (round trip). Not bad.

So all of this being said, I’m trying to get back on the horse. Your comments yesterday were very encouraging. It’s so nice to know I’m not alone in this. I saw a poster in the front window of one of the shops we passed by on the way to the grocery store that said “It’s You vs. You”. That’s so true on this journey. My biggest obstacle in all of this is me. In the beginning it was my not knowing anything at all about weight loss or healthy diet or the effects of exercise. But 2 years later, that’s not the reason any more. It’s me. It’s Me vs. Me. I can do this. I just have to get my head on straight.

Oh, and get this. I stepped on the scales this morning before my bike ride and I was down 2 pounds from yesterday morning. Go figure. I pretended like yesterday was Friday as far as my eating goes and I guess it worked. Now I just have to pretend like the rest of this week is Friday every day to try and keep those 2 pounds off. :]

Weigh in today.

Gained another 2.4 pounds.

Let’s see. Why do you think I gained?

• Was it the box of donuts I ate on Saturday morning?
• Was it the huge plate of lasagna I had Saturday night?
• Was it the piece of coconut cream pie (with a side of a peanut butter chocolate chip cookie) I had Sunday for lunch?
• Was it the (snack size) bag of Cheetos (at least it wasn’t the huge bag like I wanted) I had Sunday for dinner?
• Was it the Cinnamon Butter Cupcake I had Monday night? (and, no, I didn’t eat any more of them the next day)
• Was it the spaghetti I had Thursday night?
• Was it because I didn’t track one bit of food since Sunday night?
• Or was it the lack of exercise all week?

Hmm. I wonder what could have caused the gain?

I’m in such a funk right now. I mean, ugh!! What the heck?!

It’s like, I know exactly what I need to do to lose weight but I refuse to do it. And when I do, do it, I don’t do it all the way. I mean, I’ll say that I’m doing it. And I’ll even convince myself that I’m doing it, but I’m not really. Like I’ll say “I tracked all my food this week” when in reality, I might have tracked a few days. Or I’ll say “I exercised this week” when in reality, all I did was a bike ride on Sunday or maybe I walked once or twice throughout the week. That’s not “exercise” that’s mildly keeping active.

I know I need to track every bit of food I eat.

I know I need to measure my food portions.

I know I need to exercise every day.

But I don’t.

I only do it half-a$$ed.

All I want to do is lose 100 pounds. Why can’t I do that?

I’m seriously considering giving up on trying to lose and just face it that I’m not going to allow myself to lose any more weight and just never reach the 100 pound goal.

The only problem with that is that I’m petrified of gaining it all back. It scares the crap out of me!!! I can’t stop dieting. I’ll never stop. I took one week off last December and gained 8 pounds in that one week. Can you imagine what would happen if I took a month or two off?? I’d be back to 275 pounds in no time, I’m sure.

You know what the worst part about all of this is that I’m not eating the food that I really want to. I mean, I lose, I gain, I lose, I gain, but through it all, I don’t eat what I really want to. If I do, I can only eat a tiny bit of it knowing full well that if I eat the amount I want to, I’ll gain big time.

Why is food still so important to me?

I would have hoped that after 2 years of being on this new “lifestyle” that I’d be used to it by now and the cravings wouldn’t be so bad. And the yearnings would subside. When will they? Will they ever?

Man, listen to me, I sound like a whinny baby.

I’m just not in a great place right now. I’m not happy with alot of things in my life and food is just one of them. I need a new perspective on things. I need to focus on the good things in my life rather than the bad. I need for the good to outweigh the bad.

Who was it who said life should be this hard?

Okay, so today I was back on track.

I had my oatmeal with soy milk and honey for breakfast. I had a left over pork chop with a small baked potato (with Molly McButter) for lunch and for dinner was a green salad (with only vinegar dressing) and a slice of cheese pizza.

Okay, confession time. I had a cupcake tonight. Although it’s not for the reason you think.

My daughter came over tonight to make cupcakes with me. She turned 20 last week and I didn’t get to see her on her birthday. This is the first time EVER since she was born that I didn’t get to see her on her birthday. For her birthday, I had wanted to make her some cupcakes—her new favorite kind. I call them “Cinnamon Butter Cupcakes”. They’re a butter cupcake with cinnamon butter cream icing. Killer! They’re fast becoming my favorite cupcakes too. But she was busy all last week so we couldn’t.

Anyway, she’s the one who had the idea to come over tonight and bake cupcakes. I have to admit, though, that the cupcake didn’t take me by surprise. I had already planned on having one. But I’m only having just that one. She only took 8 or 9 with her which leaves a dozen and a half. But hubby and I are splitting them up and taking them to work.

I will not eat another one.

The experience was what I was really enjoying when I ate the cupcake. I didn’t let the cupcakes cool before I iced 2 of them for us. I don’t usually do that because the icing will slide right off the cake before it cools. But I did that so we could both enjoy it fresh and hot together.

It was a great experience.

I sure hope I’m not teaching her bad habits. She’s so skinny. And she’s worked hard at it. She doesn’t want to be fat like me, or rather like I used to be.

Anyways, the rest of the day was just as I’d planned. No splurges and I feel great about it.

I want to thank you guys for your support. Your words mean so much to me. It really helps me put things in perspective. And I love that there are so many different points of view when you guys comment. I sometimes feel like I’m at a group therapy session or something and there are you guys all circled around me giving me feedback based of your experiences. Very helpful.

I am trying to figure out what the root of all this is. I used to think it was because I didn’t think I was worth success. The first time I sabotaged myself last fall, I did feel inadequate. I didn’t feel like I was worth the success. But I really feel I’ve moved past that. Now I’m not sure what it is. I’m just going to have to keep looking for the answers.

I’ll find them. I know I will.