Cara's Weightloss Journal

At Weight Watchers yesterday, my leader challenged us to be good at least ONE weekend day. To track our points and stay on plan. Well, this is something I’ve been trying to do for weeks… months… heck, maybe even years. So I was up for the challenge.

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Here I sit at the end of my Sunday, a complete failure.

I knew I was going to splurge a little on Saturday. I always do. That one is hard for me to not do. But if I could just figure out how to be good on Sundays! I don’t think it’s genetically possible.

I posted a blog about this a while back and I got a comment back from a very nice gentleman suggesting that I change my perspective on splurges and indulgences. If I could eat the food that I like on a regular basis and still stay on plan, that would be the answer.

I’ve actually been doing that lately and it’s really been helping my weight loss. I’ve lost a total of 3.8 lbs over the past 3 weeks. I’ve been eating primarily low carb/high protein/high fiber foods (Weight Watchers calls these Power Foods). I haven’t been watching the fat content too closely, though, but it seems to be working.

The most important part is that I truly enjoy the food I’m eating on a regular basis. I eat full fat cheese, regular eggs, bacon, real mayo, etc. I just eat less of it and concentrate the majority of my diet on low carbs/high protein, etc.

So why the heck do I splurge on crap foods on the weekends!?

I mean, when I say I’m thoroughly enjoying my diet (not the word diet as in the “d” word, but the word diet as in the type of foods I eat). I can eat foods I haven’t eaten in years and I’m loving it. In fact, I keep small 1″ cubes of full fat sharp cheddar cheese in my fridge to snack on whenever I want. I usually on eat 1 or 2 squares at a time and I only do this once or twice a day, but it’s there for me whenever I want it. And I love it!

This is what makes me mad… Saturday night I had fried chicken and mashed potatoes. I didn’t even want it. I knew what the breading, grease and potatoes would do to my body. I knew I’d feel like crap as soon as I got done eating. And boy did I! I literally thought if I could just puke, I’d feel better. I had so many tums that night it was sad.

Then I woke up this morning and we went to McDonalds for breakfast. Why?! I don’t know. Neither one of us wanted the junk food. And for dinner… Wendys!!

I’m so stinking mad!!!

You know the sad part about it? I don’t even like bread, so I don’t miss it one bit! I don’t really miss potatoes because when I ate them this weekend, they didn’t really taste that good. I kept wishing I was eating a steak and veggies. Or a lettuce wrap roast beef sandwich.

I truly believe the only reason I splurge and indulge like this on the weekend is… well, is… is because I can.

I know I don’t want to.

But I do it because I can.

And now I feel like a complete failure.

I’ll bet I gained those 4 pounds back just over these past 2 days. And look at what I ate! What the heck! I don’t even like Wendy’s!!!

I’ve been thinking alot about food lately. I mean, a LOT.

I sit at work all day dreaming about food. I keep wondering what this or that would taste like. I’ll even smell different types of food throughout the day that simply isn’t there.

Like, I’ll smell steak. Or Cheetos. Or cake. Or string cheese. … Weird, huh?

And then I get home and think about food even more.

And being on this “diet” doesn’t help matter much, because I always have to be thinking about (planning) what I’m going to eat next. And then once I’ve figured it out, I can’t wait until I can eat it.

Remember when you were in school and class was over at 3:45 and it was 3:00 and it seemed like the clock had stopped? Every 2 seconds you’d be looking at the clock wondering why it wasn’t moving any faster.

That’s how I am all day long. I keep looking at the clock saying “is it time to eat yet?”

Food is all I can think of.

I even dream in food.

The other night I had a perfectly random dream that had absolutely nothing at all to do with food, but I’ll be darned if the ground wasn’t made of gum drops!

I keep telling myself that everything will be okay and I’ll be normal if I can just stop obsessing over food.

But I can’t get it out of my head.

Like just a few minutes ago I was thinking about what I ate last Saturday and planning what I was going to eat this coming Saturday. Random, huh?

One of the tools in Weight Watchers is to be prepared whenever you’re heading into a social situation where you’ll be eating at a restaurant. They say to either go online or stop by the restaurant before hand so you can see the menu and plan what you’re going to eat so you won’t be side swiped by all of the yumminess on them menu.

Well, I’ve been doing that my whole life! Nothing new there. We’d make a plan to go out to a particular restaurant and my mind would race over the imaginary menu in my head. What would I eat? Man! I’d have it all planned out WAY before I got to the restaurant.

So that was a “tool” I didn’t have to worry about learning.

But now, I still do the same thing, but now I try to think of all the healthy things on the menu. That’s a good thing, right? But I’m still doing the basic same thing, obsessing over food.

I swear, if you guys could see all of the food thoughts that go through my head all day long, every minute of the day, you’d be shocked. Not a minute goes by in my day that I’m not thinking about some sort of food.

So what do I do with that? How can I NOT obsess over food? How can I break my life-long habit of thinking about food my every waking moment?

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So how did you guys do last week? Were you able to only eat when you were hungry? Or did the munchies win (again)?

I guess I’m doing pretty good when it comes to the boredom eating, but the weekends are still killing me.

Weekend before last, the 4th of July (LONG) weekend, really did me in. I ate and ate and ate. I couldn’t stop myself. Well, actually, I didn’t want to. I was completely in control and knew exactly what I was doing and loved every minute of it. Well, that is until I was done eating. Then I hated myself.

The worst was on Monday when we went to the Texas Roadhouse and I had cheese fries. On my way there, I was planning what I would eat. Cheese fries was not an option. I knew I’d already eaten WAY too much on Saturday and Sunday and I needed to get back in control. I even talked it over with hubby and we were both on the same page–no cheese fries!

Then… when it came time to order, I just blurted it out. Hubby said “what?” and then that loving “Cara…”. I looked him straight in the eyes and said “it’s okay, I know what I’m doing”.

The worst part was how greasy they were. But did that stop me from eating them? No! When we were driving home afterwards I was so dern mad at myself! I felt so awful. My stomach, no, my heart, yes. I felt like I’d just betrayed myself.

I’m really hoping one of these days I’m going to be able to win the battle against the food. I love it so dearly and it makes me feel so special. 

Grated, I’m not NEARLY as bad about eating as I used to be. Man, to think of all the crap I would eat and the amount of it–regularly. I’ve come SUCH a long way since those days. But I still haven’t won the battle entirely. What is it they say “you may have won the battle but you haven’t won the war yet.”. That’s me.

I actually gained 5 whole pounds over the course of 3 small days.

I fought and fought and got all but 4/10ths of it off. Whew!

This past weekend I did a LOT better. I’m still up a couple of pounds but I’m sure they’ll be off in the next day or two.

But on the flip side, I really did with not eating unless I was hungry. It’s so darn hard in the evenings, isn’t it?? Man!! It’s like the munchies monster is there hiding behind the couch waiting for me to sit down. He lurks around the house, just waiting for me to slow down for a minute, then he pounces! AAAhhhh!!!

So how did you guys do?

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Here I sit… 6 pounds from goal.

6 pounds…

6 pounds might as well be 50. I can’t believe the week I’ve had.

I’ve actually gained 5 pounds since last Saturday’s weigh in. So technically, I’m 11 pounds from goal. What the heck!?

For no reason, I decided to have pizza Tuesday night. That wouldn’t have been so bad, but I had 2 cheesy bread sticks and about 8 or 10 of those Hershey’s Chocolate Dunkers from Pizza Hut. The picture says it all.


Then for another “no reason at all” we decided to splurge last night and went out for steak. We haven’t been out to eat in SO long (other than the obligatory Saturday lunch with the in-laws) in forEVER.


Steak wouldn’t have been all that bad if I didn’t get the buttery mashed potatoes to go with it and the salad with chipotle ranch dressing and the cheese fries as an appetizer (of course, loaded with bacon and cheese and TONs of ranch dressing).


Why?


No reason in particular. I guess I was just feeling particularly self-destructive.


I’ve eaten sensible since then. But I think I’ve done too much damage to be repaired in time for Saturday morning’s weigh in.


I don’t get it. I know what to do and I just don’t do it. And I take no pleasure in it whatsoever.


Does this ever happen to you? What do you guys do when you do this? Please help me get past this. I just want to be at goal. I’ve been 10 pounds away from goal since a year ago this month. Now that I’m getting so close, why is this happening. I just want to be done!

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I did real good yesterday. At Steak N Shake, I only had the hot dog with pico de galo (no chipotle sauce) with cottage cheese & pineapple and veggie soup. Yay!! I did it!!! I was tempted to get a hamburger or a milk shake. Was really tough not to do that, though. Hubby had a yummy hamburger and mother-in-law had a milk shake. But I resisted.

To be honest, it really wasn’t that hard. Isn’t it funny how sometimes the temptations are irresistible and overwhelming and then sometimes they’re not. I’m so happy it wasn’t that bad yesterday. I need temptations like that every once in a while.

For dinner, I had Subway. I’m telling you, I’m completely addicted to Subway. So funny, because just 6 or 8 months ago, it would still make me sick to my stomach. I wonder if when they started offering the 9 grain wheat bread, they changed their recipe a bit. It always felt like it was the bread that made me sick. But now, look out! I usually get either a turkey (no cheese) with TONS of veggies on the 9 grain (6 inch of course) or just veggies. I get the light mayo and yellow mustard on it, which is the icing on the cake. Their mayo is so yummy. I know it ads a point to the sandwich, but it’s only 5 points for the turkey and 4 points for the veggie. So it’s totally worth it!

Usually Saturdays include a huge splurge of some sort. But I didn’t splurge.

Today, however, I did splurge, but just a little bit. I had a steak and cheese quesadilla for lunch. It was probably about 15 points, including the sour cream I had with it. It was so yummy, though. Then I had a churro for dessert—probably another 4 points. But I had a 6-point breakfast and only 2 points for dinner and I feel totally satisfied.

All in all, my weekend was pretty good and under control. I feel good. I like feeling good about my food choices. I’ve been out of control for so long. I’m starting to feel normal again.

I’ve been noticing over-weight people lately. I think this is helping with my motivation. Because I keep remembering what it was like for me when I was that big. I was miserable. I had no self-worth. I just wanted to hide from the world. Sure, the people who were closest to me were so great about it. They’d never say anything negative and they’d love me no matter what I looked like. Especially my husband, David. He’s so supportive. You know after I’d lost a bunch of weight and I started looking good, he said how he always wanted me to lose weight so I could feel as good as I looked. He would never have said anything to me, though, because he loves me no matter what I look like. Proof positive of that was how he treated me—like a queen—when I was 275 pounds. I love him for that. But I know what he was talking about. I feel so much better now. So healthier. So happier. More energy. More happiness. It’s been such a hard journey—the hardest thing I’ve EVER done in my life—but it’s been totally worth every second.

I tell you one thing, though, I don’t ever want to do this again! Once I lose this weight, I AM NOT gaining it back. No way I can do this again!

Are you with me?

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