Cara's Weightloss Journal

I had a pretty good week last week. And it resulted in a pretty good loss. I lost 1.4 pounds. And here’s how I did it…

I usually splurge (my definition of the word “splurge” is to eat whatever I want and however much of it I want, just in case you’re wondering) on Saturday’s after weigh in. Then I tell myself I’m not going to splurge on Sunday, but I usually splurge just as bad on Sunday’s as I do on Saturdays. And then I usually over eat in some sorta way on Monday’s too. Then back to the plan the rest of the week only to end up weighing exactly the same at weigh in as I did the week before. 

Great maintenance plan.

Except I’m not on maintenance!!

I’m still about 6 pounds away from goal. So what I did this past week is what I should have been doing for the past year. I did not splurge on Sunday or Monday. I was back on plan Sunday morning.

And I added something a little extra to the mix this past week. I told myself not to eat unless I was hungry.

DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD THAT WAS??!!!

Oh, wait, of course you do!

It was SO hard for me to sit here in the evenings wanting to snack but telling myself I couldn’t because I wasn’t hungry. I had nothing but healthy snacks in the house, too. Snacks that I could totally eat and still stay on plan. Snacks that wouldn’t put me over my daily points allowance. But I would not eat unless I was actually hungry.

A couple of nights I almost convinced myself to eat something just because it had been3 or 4 hours since dinner and I knew I’m supposed to eat something every 3 to 4 hours to keep my metabolism evened out. And I almost convinced myself of that. But I didn’t give in. I didn’t cave. I didn’t eat.

Was the hardest thing I’ve done in SO long. And I honestly don’t know if I can do it this week.

But I’m going to try.

Who wants to try it with me? Before you hit the comment button and tell me you’re on board, know that it’s NOT going to be easy. You’re going to feel like you’re depriving your body. But remember you’re not. You’re only depriving your mind. Your body will let you know when it needs nourishment and you’ll just have to wait until it does, no matter what your mind or emotions tell you.

So whadaya say?

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Well, first, I wanna say, thanks, guys, for all your encouraging words. Thank you for every last word. Your encouragement has helped me flesh out the thoughts in my head about this whole marathon debacle.

Then for my morning snack, I’ll have a banana or an apple. Then for lunch I’ll have a half of a sandwich (usually a pb&j or a turkey w/lettuce & onions) and some sort of 100 calorie snack (Little Debbie has been making some yummy one’s lately.

I have a stick after lunch and another after dinner. And sometimes another one after my evening snack. I don’t know what I’d do without it. Bob on the Biggest Loser says to chew it between means to curb your cravings. For me, though, I chew the spearmint (or winter blast, etc.) because it makes my mouth so minty so that I can’t eat anything. It’s not that I don’t want to eat anything, it’s that I can’t because anything I put in my mouth would taste terribly minty. It’s like trying to eat something right after you brush your teeth in the morning. I just tastes terrible. So far, so good, it’s help me stay away from the snacking.

You know, I’ve been reading and rereading your comments from my last post and you guys came up with some good ones. There were even a couple of good ones on my Facebook post, too. It’s made me dig deep to try to figure out what caused the pastry incident. Hmm. This is what I’ve come up with…

I think the main reason I hid in my car was because I knew I was overdoing it. I’d already eaten very badly at the steak house. Then the HUGE (seriously, it was HUGE) cupcake and I knew if I brought more fattening food into the house, I would feel like a complete and total pig. So I guess I figured that if I hid, eating it in the car, that I wouldn’t be a pig. Right? If no one saw me eat, then no harm. Right?

Also, you remember seeing the cartoons of the character who’d get a whiff of something yummy and then they’d float in the air sniffing the smell until they floated right to the source of the good food? That’s kinda how it was when I walked into the grocery store and immediately headed for the bakery. I felt so powerless, but completely in control at the same time. Just like Beth said, “Even as I’m doing it, I don’t understand why. It’s such a powerless, yet driven feeling.” The HUGE cupcake just didn’t do the trick. I was still craving something sweet. Or maybe the cupcake was just whetting my appetite. I haven’t been eating a lot of sugar lately, so maybe I got a good heaping taste of it and just wanted more. But whatever the reason for heading to the bakery and buying the pastry was way too overwhelming.

So last night, I had to go to the grocery store again. (Deep breath.) I went to a different store this time. I didn’t want to tempt fate. The whole time driving there I kept saying over and over in my head “don’t lose it Cara, stay in control”. When I got there, I accidentally entered through the deli and bakery area. (I swear it was not on purpose.) And then I walked around the bakery isles looking at all the goodies. I wanted so badly to choose something delectable. Like, HAVE I NOT LEARNED ANYTHING?!? I kept going over the shame and tears from the night before as I looked at those yummies. No, I would not partake. I did not.

It was the hardest thing, I tell you, but I did not buy anything sweet and bad for me.

So today, on the way home from work, I had to stop at the grocery store yet again (I swear, I keep forgetting things that I need—I’m NOT doing this on purpose). So I made a list before I left work. Check it out:

You like how I added it to my list?? That way I wouldn’t even be tempted. And guess what, I wasn’t. Yay!

I finally found the French Twists I told you about earlier. After I bought my first tub, they quit selling them. One of my trips to the grocery store this past weekend I asked the manager if she could order them. She did. And today they were in the store. I think these should be a good substitute for the full out bad for me pastries. I do love them so. And I can only eat one at a time. So I’m good for now.

As for the future, like Rebecca (screwdestiny) said, “next time, confront the craving and don’t hide behind it.” When the next craving comes, confront it. If it’s something I have to give into, that’s fine, as long as it’s within moderation. And by all means, don’t hide behind it.

Don’t forget to enter my Measure Up Bowls Giveaway contest. See the rules here. Contest ends Nov. 15th.

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So yesterday morning, just before lunch, I was sitting there minding my own business at work when all of the sudden I was clobbered over the head with this luscious smell coming from the cube just next to mine. I had no idea what it was, but oh man did it smell wonderful!

So I started getting hungry.

I had a banana. But that didn’t satisfy the cravings that had now sat in. It smelled like pot roast with gravy.

Well, by the time I made it home, I was ravenous. Mind you, I probably wasn’t even hungry, but that was beside the point. I wanted to eat everything in the house.

I sat down to my turkey wrap (which, by the way I absolutely adore!) and a cup of yellow squash & onions I made the other day (see, I’m thinking ahead, planning my menus days in advance to I make sure to eat healthy).

That wasn’t enough.

I fried an egg (in bacon grease, mind you).

Very tasty, but that didn’t do the trick.

I drank half a bottle of water, but nothing doing, I was craving something, anything, as long as it was food.

I went to the cupboard and you know what I found?? Doritos!! Doh!!

We splurged a little this past weekend and had taco salad for dinner one night so there were Doritos left over. I grabbed the bag and plopped down on the couch and went to town on it.

My finger tips were covered in Doritos dust. It made me think of that commercial on tv where the lights go out and these two people sitting on the couch snacking on a bowl of some sort of cheesy crackers or chips look at each other as their fingers and mouth glow in the dark from the bright orange residue of the cheesy crackers. I swear, if the lights had out just then, you’d see me glowing with Doritos dust.

I went to town on the bag until maybe 50 chips were gone. Double-handed eating, too.

Then I stopped and started getting a little queasy. I think the turkey, mustard, lettuce, yellow squash & onions, fried egg and Doritos were at war with each other in my stomach (I don’t know why).

I put the bag down and went and washed my hands and face. I put the bag back in the cupboard and walked away like nothing had happened. No one was here after all. No one saw it. Back to an old habit I had when I was a hundred pounds heavier. Some things will just plain haunt me my whole entire life.

Then last night for dinner, hubby wanted to go to the neighborhood deli. We get a 30% discount there so I was game. They have lots of healthy things to eat there, so I was covered.

Hubby got there first (I was stuck at work as usual) so he got to the restaurant first. When I finally got there, I sat down and he said “oh, no, I didn’t know you were going to be here so soon, I ordered some potato skins to munch on until you got here”.

Aaaaaahhhhhhhh!!

Potato skins with gobs of cheese and real bacon bits with tons of sour cream is one of my favorite appetizers–ever!

(I ordered orange-chicken salad with fresh veggies and a salad.)

I am so proud of myself. When the potato skins got to the table, I did not eat one of them. I didn’t even pick at the tops of one of them to eat a bacon chip or anything. It was extremely difficult, but I resisted throughout the entire meal. Yes, there was one left on the plate and it sat there through the entire meal until hubby finally at it as “dessert”.

So today just before lunch time I smell that heavenly smell again. I reached for my banana but then it hit me. That smell is what made me go crazy at lunch yesterday. It set me up for failure. It made me crave food–any food.

So I remembered that they’d sent a memo around about a month ago asking people to not eat at their desks (for this very reason). So I walked over and very kindly ask her to not eat food like that at her desk. I explained what the smell does to me and how it effected me yesterday. She totally understood and covered it up immediately. The smell went away and I did fine at lunch today.

Turkey wrap and squash & onions.

Whew. Disaster averted.

P.S. The food she was eating was home made lentil soup. I don’t know how I got pot roast out of that, but that’s what it smelled like to me. :]

I just had a momentary laps into my days-of-fat and I had to come in here and confess it. I feel just awful!

I just had a mad eating frenzy of chips and dip!

I had just eaten my on-point lunch of almond butter and sf blackberry jam sandwich and I was doing okay. Wasn’t hungry. And all of the sudden, I ran to the pantry and pulled out the chips and hurried to the fridge and got the dip and stood there at the kitchen counter cramming chip & dip after chip & dip into my mouth like someone had told me that I wasn’t going to be able to eat anything for the rest of my life and I had to scarf down as much as possible to help me live.

Oh my goodness!

I couldn’t stop.

My finger tips were getting covered with dip as I went from bag to tub feverishly.

All the while, I kept saying “Cara, what are you doing!?” But I couldn’t stop. “Cara, stop!”. But I wouldn’t stop. “Cara, I can’t believe you’re doing this! STOP!”. But I kept going.

Finally after about 5 minutes of non-stop gorging, I finally said “OK, last bite” and I put them away. Deep breath.

Afterwards, I felt so dirty. I’m so ashamed I did that. I don’t know why I did that.

I used to do that whenever I was alone at home, but I wouldn’t stop until every last chip and ounce of dip was gone. I’d only do that when no one was home. And I’d throw away the evidence that I’d done it in the bottom of the trash can so no one would ever know.

I just went and brushed my teeth trying to get the greasy taste of the chips out of my mouth. I think I might have to go do that again because I can still taste the aftertaste a bit.

The only thing I can think of that might have caused me to do that was that I was a little shaky before lunch. When I was walking down the stairs at work to leave to come home, I remember thinking, “Wow, I’m starving”. I was kind of surprised. I didn’t feel hungry a minute ago. I was even a little shaky in my legs. I sometimes get that way—shaky for no reason. It doesn’t happen often. In fact, it’s happened very few times since I’ve been on WW. I’ve tested my blood sugar during several different episodes and each time my levels are normal. But in the past, the only way I could get the shaking to stop was to gorge myself on sweets. I guess because there were no sweets in the house, I gorged on chips.

Looking back, that’s probably what it was. My instinct to get rid of the shakes. But while I was going through it, it’s like I was a crazed animal. Chip crumbs were flying everywhere.

Well, I’m glad it’s over. I sure hope I don’t do that again. Luckily I was able to stop after only 5 minutes. I don’t even know how many chips I consumed. I probably ate half the tub of dip. No idea how to count those points.

Listen to me, here I’ve just had a very traumatic eating experience and I’m trying to track my points.

I guess that’s a good thing, huh?

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