Cara's Weightloss Journal

So weigh in this morning was horrible. On so many different levels.

I gained 4.8 pounds.

I don’t understand it. I ate my 21 points a day (plus a couple of earned activity points each day). I ate most of my flex points last weekend so I’d have all week to work them off (however, I only gained 1 pound over the weekend). I earned 27 activity points. What the heck!

Okay, I think I might know what’s up. Stress.

#1. My job responsibilities used to be a full time job. Since the layoffs, I’ve taken on about 50% more workload so I’m doing 150% of the work in the same amount of time I used to do 100% of my work.

#2. It’s the end of the magazine cycle which means all of the work done on the magazine all week gets wrapped up and finalized in order to ship out to the printer. I call myself the “human magazine funnel”. Nothing goes into the magazine unless I put it there. Editorial writes it. Design creates the artwork. Advertising sells the ads and provides the ad material. What I do is take all those pieces and build a magazine—page by page. So the last week of the cycle is getting the million lose ends tied off and getting each page of the magazine finalized to it will print correctly. This past cycle was rough. The last several months have been rough. Each issue seems to get worse and worse. The layoffs have changed everyone’s schedules and processes so everyone’s late getting things to me and the schedule can’t be moved, so I have to compensate.

#3. I just found out that a good friend at work’s mom had Alzheimer’s disease before she passed away. She died a couple of years ago and I didn’t know my friend then, but that’s one of my greatest fears in life is getting Alzheimer’s. It runs in my family. And I couldn’t stop crying for her. I can’t imagine what she went through with her mom towards the end. I can’t imagine my own mother forgetting who I am.

#4. This is the big one. My daughter moved out. My only daughter. She’s going to be 20 on Tuesday so I know it’s time for her to move out. But I am not ready for it. She’s still in college. Just finished her 2nd year. And I just don’t think this move was the best time and situation for her to move into. I think her expenses are still way too high to take on the extras of rent, utilities and food. She moved in with 2 roommates, one of which, she’s just met (the other she’s know for 2 years). I know, I have to let her go. She’s an adult. She needs to be on her own. But I just don’t like it. I’m so worried for her.

Friday morning was especially hard because it was the last time I’d hear her alarm clock go off. It’s the last time I’d wake her up. It’s the last time we’d have breakfast together. It’s the last time I’d hug her goodbye. It was my morning of lasts. And then I got to work and had about 25 hours of work that I had to cram into 7 hours in order to get the magazine shipped out on time. Everyone else was too busy to help. I cried my way through the day.

One good part to this past week was that I didn’t eat one cupcake. I baked cupcakes for a friend at work (she commissioned me) and I had so much fun doing it. They were Snickerdoodle cupcakes which is butter cupcakes filled with cinnamon cream cheese filling and stopped with boiled white icing (made with meringue). But I resisted and did not eat even one of them.

And then this morning, when I entered my weight on WW.com, first of all I cried because I’m now back up to 172.2. I swore I’d NEVER get back up in the 170s again. But on top of that, after I input my weight, the darn pop up window said it’s time to recalculate my points. I’m thinking, WHAT? Please don’t take away another point. 21 points is already slim pickings. Would you believe the stupid thing GAVE me a point back??!!! Seriously! I now have 22 daily points allowance.What the heck is up with that?!?! I don’t even know what to do with that. I’ve NEVER had WW GIVE me points!

Okay, tell me where I’m supposed to go from here. Because I don’t know.

Biggest Loser was great tonight. I cried big ole alligator tears when Tara crossed the finish line. Then I did it all over again when Helen crossed. I didn’t cry for Mikey because even though it was a huge victory for him, I could totally empathize that it just wasn’t the huge victory he’d wanted. But darn it all, I cried when Ron crossed the finish line. But I wasn’t crying for Ron, I was crying for Mikey. He was so stinking proud of his dad. And Max was crying from like a mile back from the end of the race.

I can’t believe that show finally got me crying. Crying like a baby.

I can identify with that show and those contestants so much. I know exactly what they were going through when the got home. That overwhelming fear that they couldn’t do it and that they’d go back to the “way it used to be”. That paralyzing fear. That fear that derails.

Tara was so afraid that she’d completely fallen of the wagon when those Pita chips attacked her in the grocery store. She had everything under control and then her old food addictions set in and it scared her to death.

Helen was so afraid to drink that glass of wine. What if she couldn’t stop. What if she convinced herself that it was okay to drink a glass of wine on a regular basis and then she’d be right back where she was.

Mike was so afraid that all of his hard work wasn’t going to be enough. And afraid he wouldn’t have time for him.

I could totally identify with each of them. That fear is so tangible. That fear is what kept me from reaching my 100 pound goal last fall. I just knew that once I reached my goal I’d mess up some how and gain it all back. Then I was afraid that if I ate something that I loved and wouldn’t be able to stop. I just knew that I wouldn’t be able to do it. Or worse yet, I’d do it, I’d lose all the weight, but then I’d gain it all back. I love food after all. Why would I want to deprive myself of it for the REST OF MY LIFE??

But I’ve learned what Tara, Helen and Mike have learned. I CAN do it. And if I fall off, I’ll just get back on and life will go on.

Life will go on.

So one pound at a time. One day at a time. I’m continuing my journey. And I’m loving every minute of it.

I went walking with my WW team tonight. We walked a very brisk 3 miles. Was great getting to know new people and walking on that beautiful trail. Here’s a pic:

Yea, there were only 4 of us and a non WW member who walked with us and took the picture. But at least we’re out there doing it, right?

We’re walking again tomorrow night and the next night.

I wonder. Can the brain invent smells that really aren’t there?

I was driving home from work last night and all of the sudden, out of the blue, I get a huge whiff of potato chips and dip. But just for one brief second. Then it was gone. But the windows were rolled up and there was no one and nothing in the car except for me. How did this happen?

But of course NOW I’m craving chips and dip so bad I can’t see straight! I was doing fine, too. No cravings all week. Ugh!

I went walking again last night with my WW group. There were actually fewer of us last night than the night before. Oh, well. We had a blast anyways. I post a picture later. Another lady took a picture of us all and she’s gonna email it to me.

I’m in a dilemma. I know, you’re saying, Cara when are you NOT in a dilemma. And, no, it’s not the Pound for Pound Challenge. :] It’s my weight. I’m steady gaining this week and I have no idea why.

I have not splurged or over indulged. Not even on Saturday or Sunday. I’ve eaten within my points every day. I’ve exercised every day, but not over doing it, so I’m sure it’s not muscle gain. It’s not around that time of the month. I just don’t get it. I’ve been up between 2/10ths and 4/10ths every day. I’ve accumulated a total of 1.8 pounds since weigh in on Saturday. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.

Maybe it is the exercise. I thought my legs were sore, but I realize now its just my right calf. I think I pulled a muscle last Friday and it’s still nagging me. My legs, other than that, really feel fine. I only did walking twice this week and I have to be honest with myself and say that I did not over exert myself there. The walking was more like walking through a park or around a mall. I didn’t burn alot of calories either time. I did the Gazelle twice this week but only for 15 minutes each time. But this is supposed to help me lose weight not gain.

I know they say you gain muscle when you exercise. But this is ridiculous. I’m not really exercising. I’m just moving more. So there shouldn’t be any muscle gain to it. Then what the heck is it?!?

All I want is to lose 100 pounds. That’s all I want. Is that so much to ask. I swear, I’m NOT sabotaging myself this time. I haven’t had any of the tendencies I had before. I’m steady and focused and loving it. I don’t think I’m stressed about anything. I mean, any more than usual. Yes, my life is plenty stressful, but who’s isn’t right now anyways.

Oh, well. Steady on. I was joking with my WW leader last night that I hope I can get my 100 pounds by NEXT Thanksgiving. I was supposed to reach it this past Thanksgiving. The way I’m going, it might be Thanksgiving of 2010.

So tonight’s Biggest Loser was pretty good. I was so excited to see Nicole given a second chance. She has been my favorite from the beginning. When she came back the last time, she kicked butt on the challenge and ALMOST won. She showed so much strength and determination. I was so impressed. Then when she came back tonight after losing like 87 pounds, or something like that, I was thoroughly impressed. Way to go Nicole!

Then a horrible thing happened, she got voted off. I was so upset. But she said something so amazing after she got voted off that really stuck with me. She was talking about how she had walked past a mirror when she got to The Ranch and noticed for the first time how much weight she’d lost and how good she looked. Until then, she’d never allowed herself to really realize how her body had changed over the months. I mean, holy cow, she’d lost almost 90 pounds! But she was so focused on “losing” and being the “biggest loser” that she hadn’t stopped to see the progress she’d made.

Then in the “after the loser” segment, it showed her in her size 24 wedding gown (before the show) and now in the size 12. It occurred to me that that is where I am right now. I started in a size 24 (well, actually I was in a 26/28) and now I’m in a size 12. I think I need to stop for a while and take a look at me now and stop focusing on the process. My mind is so focused on watching the scale to see how much I’ve lost or haven’t lost. It’s my measuring stick for success right now. I need to stop that and look in the mirror. To see what Nicole saw.

I’ve lost almost 100 pounds. But I need to let that number go and stop focusing in on it. I need to just look in the mirror at my progress and be happy there rather than on the scale.

So that’s my goal, now, is to focus on the mirror. Focus on the mirror. Focus on the mirror.

The funniest thing happened today. In the middle of the morning, I jotted down a few things I needed to pick up at the store on my way home for lunch (so I wouldn’t forget). So I grabbed my note when headed out for lunch and as I was walking down the hall, I looked down at the list and it made me chuckle. The only things on the list were healthy stuff. Bananas, granola bars, almond milk, lettuce and turkey. It was so completely unreal. I remember when my lists would include chips, soda, cookies, hamburger helper, cream cheese, sour cream, etc. Rarely would I pick up anything fresh or healthy. It just struck me as funny how I realize I have turned into a health-nut. Who’dathunk? Me? Healthy?

Speaking of food, I added my daily food log on the top right side of my blog. I found it on Roni’s Weigh’s website. Eat, Tweet, Post. It’s really cool. I just tweet what I eat throughout the day, then go to her website to get a tally of the total points I’ve eaten for the day, then copy and paste the code into my blog and it formats it with the total at the bottom and everything. I absolutely LOVE Twittering so this one is right up my alley. I love it!

I also have a badge over to the right for the coolest challenge. It’s on Fitago. It’s a community trek across America. It starts in Daytona Beach, FL and ends in San Fransicso, CA. So all you do is log the miles you walk, run or bike on the Fitago website and the total mileage gets added to everyone else’s totals and together we walk across America. How cools is that??!! I’ve always wanted to join a challenge like this. So this is perfect. Plus, it’s getting me motivated to run again. I need anything to get me motivated. This one probably won’t be a quick challenge, too, so it’ll help me stick with it longer. You should check it out.

So here’s to another day of staying within my points, drinking my water, eating my dairy and oils and vegetables and protein. I couldn’t run because it was raining all day. But I’ll definitely be back to run tomorrow. It’s not supposed to rain tomorrow.

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I decided to sit down and see just how much weight I’ve lost since my derailment last November and compare that to how much weight I’ve gained. The results were fascinating, encouraging and discouraging altogether.

I’ve lost almost 20 pounds (19.8, precisely) since the week before Thanksgiving.

However, I’ve gained almost 19 pounds (18.8, precisely).

So since my unintentional but purposeful sabotage, I’ve netted a total of 1 pound loss since the 3rd week in November. FOUR MONTHS.

Ugh!

I’ve learned so much about myself since November, though. I had no idea I was sabotaging myself, to begin with. And also, I’ve learned that I can lose weight and I can be successful at it and it’s okay to be a success. It’s okay to be proud of losing weight. It’s okay to be proud of my new body.

For those of you who might not have been with me through last year, I started my “18 Pounds in 18 Weeks Challenge” last July because I was only 18 pounds away from 100 pounds lost. The closest I ever got was 2.6 pounds away from 100. Then I sabotaged myself and it took me until just recently before I realized I was doing it. I’m now 4.8 pounds away from the ominous 100 pound mark, but I am going to get there this time. I am on the downside of this losing streak—in a good way. And I am going to make it this time.

I’ve been consistent in my exercise. I’m actually becoming addicted to the running thing. I just can’t wait to get out there and run again. I want to go right now.

I’ve been writing down everything I eat for about the last month or so. Consistently.

And I’ve been drinking my allotted water every day. Every day.

My mental attitude has changed greatly, too. I now look at food entirely differently. I used to get so mad at that fact that I was going to have to eat this way for the rest of my life and I was never going to be able to eat the things that I really wanted to eat. But now, that’s not even the point. I still love food. I still consider myself an addict. But I just look at it all differently now.

I look at food for what it really is. It’s nourishment. It’s comfort. It’s sustenance. It’s pleasure. It’s necessity. It’s all these things. But all in all. It’s just food. It’s not my life. My life does not revolve around food any more. Food is a big part of my life. It should be. Without it, I’d die. But it’s no longer my best friend. It’s no longer my lover. It’s no longer my life-long companion whom I gave precedence over everything else in my life. Food is no longer the enemy either. It won’t trick me or tempt me or make me fail at being a happy, healthy, beautiful person.

I’m turning into a different person. It’s a better version of the real me. And I like what I see on the horizons.

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