Cara's Weightloss Journal

Okay, first things first… I lost 1.6 pounds last week!!! YAY!!!! That’s 2 weeks in a row, now, that I’ve lost weight! I’m so excited!!!

I was really aiming to just break even. All week I kept losing a pound then gaining it back then losing it and gaining it. By Friday, the pound had stayed off. Then by Saturday morning, when I weighed in, I’d managed to keep it off plus another 6th of a pound. So YAY!!

I really think that hard workout that I did on Wednesday really helped out (or was it Thursday?). Anyways, I need to do that again this week, but more often. I was going to workout again at lunch today but couldn’t. Had an errand to run. I’m not sure I’ll be able to do it tomorrow either because my pup has something wrong with one of her ears (she keeps a lop-sided head and keeps shaking her head alot). So I’ll take her to the vet tomorrow during lunch, but I hope I can workout on Wednesday and then maybe again on Thursday or Friday. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Now onto something a little more depressing. I don’t know if you guys have ever heard of the 50 Million Pound Challenge or not, but I signed up for it at the beginning of the year. I haven’t really done anything with it, but at the time I signed up I had high hopes of joining a community of people geared to losing weight. I guess that’s what I have Weight Watcher’s for, so that’s probably why I never really got into it that much. Anyway, they sent me an email the other day reminding me to stop by their website to update my progress. So I clicked the button that went to their website and it asked me to log in. So I did. And the first thing it says is to enter my current weight. So I did. Guess what it did next??

It kicked me in the gut!!

Check it out… this is what it said:

How depressing is that?!?!

I don’t even know what to say about that. I really don’t want to focus on it too much, but man what a blow! I mean, I lost 1.6 pounds last week and 1 pound the previous week. So sometime between Jan 20th and 3 weeks ago, I lost a whopping 4/10th of a pound.

Ugh!

Keep your mind out of that self-defeating attitude, Cara! You don’t need to keep dwelling on your failures! Please help me stay focused on my recent losses and my recent exercise victories (ever how small they both are).

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Okay, so today I was back on track.

I had my oatmeal with soy milk and honey for breakfast. I had a left over pork chop with a small baked potato (with Molly McButter) for lunch and for dinner was a green salad (with only vinegar dressing) and a slice of cheese pizza.

Okay, confession time. I had a cupcake tonight. Although it’s not for the reason you think.

My daughter came over tonight to make cupcakes with me. She turned 20 last week and I didn’t get to see her on her birthday. This is the first time EVER since she was born that I didn’t get to see her on her birthday. For her birthday, I had wanted to make her some cupcakes—her new favorite kind. I call them “Cinnamon Butter Cupcakes”. They’re a butter cupcake with cinnamon butter cream icing. Killer! They’re fast becoming my favorite cupcakes too. But she was busy all last week so we couldn’t.

Anyway, she’s the one who had the idea to come over tonight and bake cupcakes. I have to admit, though, that the cupcake didn’t take me by surprise. I had already planned on having one. But I’m only having just that one. She only took 8 or 9 with her which leaves a dozen and a half. But hubby and I are splitting them up and taking them to work.

I will not eat another one.

The experience was what I was really enjoying when I ate the cupcake. I didn’t let the cupcakes cool before I iced 2 of them for us. I don’t usually do that because the icing will slide right off the cake before it cools. But I did that so we could both enjoy it fresh and hot together.

It was a great experience.

I sure hope I’m not teaching her bad habits. She’s so skinny. And she’s worked hard at it. She doesn’t want to be fat like me, or rather like I used to be.

Anyways, the rest of the day was just as I’d planned. No splurges and I feel great about it.

I want to thank you guys for your support. Your words mean so much to me. It really helps me put things in perspective. And I love that there are so many different points of view when you guys comment. I sometimes feel like I’m at a group therapy session or something and there are you guys all circled around me giving me feedback based of your experiences. Very helpful.

I am trying to figure out what the root of all this is. I used to think it was because I didn’t think I was worth success. The first time I sabotaged myself last fall, I did feel inadequate. I didn’t feel like I was worth the success. But I really feel I’ve moved past that. Now I’m not sure what it is. I’m just going to have to keep looking for the answers.

I’ll find them. I know I will.

Okay, so I have some good news, or rather some great news, and then I have some bad news, or rather some horrible news.

Good news first.

Weigh in yesterday morning: Drum roll please….

I lose 4 POUNDS!!!

You guys were right. Those stress pounds came right off. Man, I’m so happy. I was so afraid those 4.8 pounds I gained week before last was going to take me weeks or even months to get off. I mean, I’ve only lost 8.6 pounds since the beginning of the year so at that rate, it’d take me over 2 months to take it back off. So I’m so ecstatic!!!

Or, at least I was.

Now for the bad news.

It’s bad.

It’s really bad.

I had an absolutely HORRIBLE weekend, food-wise.

I think I’ve gained those 4 pounds back. Why oh why do I do this!!!??? Can you hear me screaming right now? I haven’t weight myself yet, but I will tomorrow morning. And I’m not looking forward to it.

I don’t know why I did this. Why do I always do this?!

I ate the whole box of donuts Saturday morning just after weigh in. Well, almost the whole box. It was minus a half a donut from when I had my mini, controlled splurge Friday at lunch.

I had lasagna last night for dinner.

I had a piece of coconut cream pie for lunch today.

And the cherry on top of my pigging out weekend was the bag of Cheetos I scoffed down about an hour ago.

My stomach feels horrible. I feel so queasy. I’ve felt this way all weekend. I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know who I am any more. I mean, who in their right mind does this to themselves—intentionally. Am I doomed to sabotage my weight loss efforts for the rest of my life? Is this cycle ever going to end?

Kathy (my weigh in lady from WW) told me not to look at my weigh in book this week so I wouldn’t wee those lost 4 pounds so that I wouldn’t sabotage myself again. But I guess I didn’t need to see the numbers in the book, I went ahead and sabotaged myself anyways.

It’s almost like every time I lose big it gives me permission to splurge in a big way. It’s like I have this leeway or something. It’s like, ‘whew, I lost that huge amount of weight, now I can just take it easy and indulge for a while because I have a huge buffer to fall back on’. Who does that?

I don’t know where to go from here. Will I ever stop this cycle? I’ve been doing it fairly consistently for over 2 years now. You’d think I would have stopped by now.

So this week is going to be exercise hell for me. I didn’t get to go biking this morning, but every night this week I’m going to have to burn a lot of calories. Heck, I might even get up early each morning and do a Shred workout (if I can drag my lazy butt out of bed each morning).

You know… I was only 1.2 pounds away from a paper clip??

I suck!

I thoroughly suck!!